It was raining, which meant going running would require getting all
wet. Can you imagine! How horrible! Getting wet! So obviously the run
was cancelled. However, Mr Awesome (as I lack an official name, I will
henceforth refer to myself as “Mr Awesome” [this won’t last for long -DS) repeatedly claimed that
rain does not prevent one from running, and on this basis Acronymph
agreed to set a trail, accompanied by some others.
And so, despite earlier misgivings, a small crowd did in fact set off
into the rain. This group consisted of Mr Awesome, Bestiality, 7-Up,
and Creature Comforts. We proceeded to get wet. 7-Up held an umbrella
the whole way, but despite this still looked quite damp. Perhaps needs
to try a bigger umbrella next time.
I ran off in front and before long missed a turning – it’s hard to
tell the difference between a patch of soggy flour which means
“straight on” and a patch of soggy flour which means “turn left”. The
others soon caught up and we milled about for a bit. Flour/milled,
that’s almost a joke, haha. Yes. Then we found the turning, ran up
lots of stairs, all very pretty. Ran down the other side of whatever
hill it was we had just ran up. Missed another turning, milled around
a bit more, found the trail again. Then proceeded to run past the
starting point to begin on a second lap, until 7-Up pointed out we
were repeating ourselves.
7-Up claimed that Mr Awesome was “not a good leader”, as though
running at the front somehow makes one personally responsible for any
and all problems experienced when interpreting soggy flour. Luckily
however she could not turn this into a drinking offence, as on
returning to the cafe we did not stand around in the rain downing beer
and singing lovely songs. Instead we glady entered the warm and dry.
Here we sat and listened to Torvill repeatedly give a rousing speech
on the truly awe-inspiring graduate careers offered by some company no one remembers the name of. The Chinese members of the group in particular
were most impressed, and gave much encouragement. Jolly good!
onon – –  James

Confucius said: “The noble man traces his curves with elegance and grace; the man of low moral character pleases himself to cartoon porn.”
And so it was, following the previous day’s mountain marathon, that a brave few, namely Battery Operated, 7Up, Creature Comforts, and Vulva Voyeur showed up for a recovery run “marked” by Cartoon Porn and virgin co-hare Pommie James. Things started off OK with a leisurely trot over the Xilin Bridge where arrows quickly led to a Circle Back. The group (minus 7Up who left without telling anyone, Deep Throat-style) quickly redubbed itself “Team America” and found the trail heading off to the direction of Su Di. Arrows were inconsistent in size, thickness, girth, and time in between appearances, but one was spotted shortly after the left turn onto Su Di pointing ahead. Then, it was general confusion as Team America ran the entire length of Su Di without seeing a single marker. An impromptu regroup was called at the end of Su Di and Team America headed back across Su Di taking the “scenic route” by the water and enjoyed several unscheduled regroups to take in the beautiful views of the sunset. Right before crossing the Xiling Bridge, we spotted an arrow pointing in the opposite direction, telling 7Up to jump off a bridge and everyone else to circle back, which we missed on the initial run across. Thoroughly confused, Team America gave up and continued back, and in true ugly American tourist fashion, flaunted rules, flipped off a Bao’an, and charged across the fenced off grass back to the Shangri-La to mete out punishments. There, Team America ran into Kiwi Jamie, who apparently came a few minutes late, and intending to catch up, missed the CB entirely on the other side of the Xilin Bridge and ran in circles on Solitary Hill Island instead of heading to Su Di. 7Up ran off shortly to avoid having to face the circle. Hares were pounded on with multiple trail violations, including general incompetence with the trail turning flaccid less than 5 minutes into the run, lack of length and girth of arrows, and lack of technique and nonsensical positions with CBs less than 10 meters away from related arrows. Battery Operated was given a violation for singing Disney songs on run. Rage over (lack of) trail was such that naming offenses were entirely forgotten. To add to the general confusion of the evening, when a gaggle of old Chinese ladies stopped to gawk at the circle, Kiwi Jamie called out “Ni hao!” whilst Vulva Voyeur rejoined with a hearty “G’day mate!” Laowais being in the majority tonight, a decision was made to head to Provence, where a bottle of imported red wine provided the perfect counterpart to an excellent if pricey selection of amuse-gueules,  plats, et desserts, served with real cutlery and no chopsticks to a table of laowais who, thankfully, still remembered how to use them. The meal over, all was forgiven, and it was on on back home to nurse our collective mountain marathon wounds…
On on,
Vulva Voyeur

Considering big bunches of people went to Shanghai for F1, eating and shopping, the turnout was perfect. Newly named Vulva Voyeur set the trail and brought along a virgin hare and virgin runner Dan.  Also, Phonebox, James, Bestiality, Kama Sutra, Creature Comforts and Sheep Shagger arrived before the setting off time, 7up was several minutes late, while Deep Throat just caught the cut-off time. The whole trail was quite easy and short; starting from Xilingqiao, after a short distance on Sudi, it went up to Gushan, here we met the first RG, then back to Baidi again, where it was the second RG, and where we lost Deep Throat as we lost her the first time she joined our hash. Well, we were off again believing she went back to the startpoint already – she was unwell before we setting off. The rest of the run was uneventful, Baidi then Baishanlu, with the third “RG” in the middle. Everyone was wondering if the trail must go up to Baochu shan, but no!! Hare Vulva Voyeur even doesn’t know there is a hill called Baochu shan located along Beishanlu. Special mention goes to James, who was called FRB (Fast Running Bastard) by Bestiality because he led the group the whole way. Also, at least every Chinese hasher’s age judging was misled by his appearance, though the truth is he an matured man already! The circle was formed, and except for normal naming offence downdowns, we had a virgin hare and virgin hasher downdown this time. Bestiality called Vulva for setting the trail too “obviously” and too short. Kama Sutra gave DT a downdown for her disappearing without telling us.The pack then heading to Maya for dinner and beer. Despite the short and easy trail as a fact, it was great enjoyment running in sunshine along Westlake!

The holidays being over, the turn up this week was a tad better than previous weeks – Phonebox, Hentai, Sevenup, Barbie, Torvill & Dean, Acronymph, S&M, Tao (his hash name is coming right up – at the end of this report!) and the hares, of course, Deepthroat and Sheep Shagger. The location – Qianjiang Xincheng, Hangzhou’s new CBD. Initial reactions to the area was not quite positive as the only things in sight were ongoing construction (read: construction dust) and, oddly enough, the Death Star, at least what looked like a very gold Death Star. 15 mins past 4pm and it was on-on to a large atrium where the hashers promptly lost the trail. But some searching and on-ons were called again down a flight of stairs, in the middle of which stood a very large crumpled chewing gum wrapper installation piece. Nice touch, all hashers were duly amused. More pounding down stairs and up stairs and onto a very large atrium in front of what looks like it may be a shopping mall in the near future, with some very promising landscaping – all in all, nice park/large avenue/walkway kind of place to run through – ending in an RG overlooking the Qiantang river – very pleasant, it was. The group quickly, well, regrouped, and we were off again. A second regroup about 10 mins later after which the pack took off again. A detour by Acronymph, who was leading the pack, into a nearby toilet took half the hash in with her before the other half realised that it was a ‘trail wetting’ stop. The rest of the run from there was short, at one point involving a basement car park run through, the first in the Hangzhou Hash’s history (correct me if I’m wrong). The pack arrived back at the start only a little more than half hour after we started, only to be told by the hares that we missed out one large portion of the run. Torvill, Acro, Tao, Hentai and Phonebox set off again to look for that elusive bit, coming back about 15 minutes later, the elusive bit still remaining elusive. Circle called, the run commented on, name-calling offences during the run AND during the circle called, and, thanks to the contribution of the grandfather of the Hangzhou Hash (those were Torvill’s words, Pushup), Tao was named – Vulva Voyeur!
OnOn  S&M

There could be no more fitting place to start the National Week run then at the foot of the great Chairman Mao statue. Given that half of our usual runners were still returning from their travels, a great turnout was not expected; but Torvil and Dean, Barbie, S&M, Battery Operated and your scribe Bestiality all made it, with varying degrees of punctuality. Fortunately, Hentai as solo hare did not return to the start to draw the circle until 20 minutes past the start time, at which point everyone was ready to go.

The trail started towards the looming hills behind the Zheda campus, and with the pack musing about the amount of mud on Hentai when he finally showed up to his own run, many (read: all) were feeling less than enthusiastic and the possibility of just waiting in a local tea shop for an hour was raised then reluctantly dismissed. Soon the trail headed into the bush, where the pack were to encounter an unauthorised “?” symbol at the end of the trail. After some discussion about what Hentai might have meant by this, the general consensus was that it can be hard enough to work out what he is trying to tell you on the best of days, and thus we should ignore his cryptic messages lest they drive us batty.

Despite predictions, the trail did not climb the large hill, but instead would its way through the Botanical Gardens where the beautiful scenery and smell of blossoming flowers had everyone appreciating the special city we live in. Everyone EXCEPT Torvil, who had taken a call early in the run, and managed to stay on his cellphone for 42 minutes! This was not the only offense Torvil was guilty of, as he also followed Battery Operated’s lead of trail wetting (although BO gets a special mention for borrowing tissues before the run and thus premeditating her crime). Apparently they were not the only ones to eschew the W.C in favour of a natural alternative; at one point my call of “watch out for the dog doo!” was met with the response “What sort of dog uses a tissue to wipe afterwards!?” Apparently a Chinese dog I guess.

Back to the course, and the trail artfully wound its way through the gardens as the small pack was forced to run all forks themselves (except Torvil, who at one point was spotted reclining on a park bench with his phone to his ear while he waited for others to sort out where the maze of a trail would go) before getting the all clear to make for home plate.
After a small sprint for first place honours (which I won, but not without a solid challenge from Battery Operated, who vowed to beat me next time) a small but rowdy circle was formed and after comments about the level of singing at the previous few circles, the full compliment of songs were sung with something approaching gusto.
On On!