Run #76 – The Where Will It All End Run Rehashed

I was excited. Visa issues, work commitments and an element of following a certain lapsed hash runner around the world meant that I had not (for shame!) run with the hash since The Secret Venue Run back in August. The Nash Hash organising committee meeting had been a pleasant, if not terribly productive 2 hours in Starbucks and it was with some anticipation that I arrived at Panchos, to find a motley crew of the not so usual suspects (7Up, Deep Throat, Mudlark, Slow Sucker, Cunning Linguist, Fellatio, Doggie Style and some dude) . The hares (Battery Operated +1) informed us that it was to be an ‘A to B run’ and that we would not know the final destination until we arrive, victorious at the end of the run (suppress nagging sense of doubt about the sensibleness of this plan).

A little later than planned and we are off, FRB (down down) Slow Sucker, visiting us from the UK again predictably takes the lead and we’re quickly at a check, some milling around ensues and the consensus is that we’re back up the main road. We run for a few minutes before someone reminds us that we’re supposed to be following trail marks and there aren’t any. So we’re back to the first check where the one of the hares is now standing making some weak protestations about marks having been rubbed off.

Now I was under the impression I’d climbed Lao He Shan by every possible route but no, the hares succeeded in sending us up a previously un-charted and yet more difficult route up this little hill. It starts raining (again suppress nagging doubts about sensibleness of not knowing where the end of the run is).

We’re quite quickly up and on to the ridge and it’s actually flat enough to run for a bit. It starts raining (suppress dark sense of foreboding regarding the merits of the plan where we don’t know where the end of the run is). Both 7Up and Fellatio have brought umbrellas. Fellatio says ‘It’s a little bit ridiculous’ I can’t help replying that ‘it’s a very big bit ridiculous’.

Jaunt along the ridge for a bit and yours truly gets altogether unhealthy sense of satisfaction by short cutting in a couple of places (down down). Start to worry that Deep Throat is actually going to push me off the top of the hill if I do it again. Slow Sucker is actually using his head torch (down down) now, it’s officially dark (struggle not to succumb to oppressive sense of dread regarding the fact that we don’t know where the run ends). Slow Sucker perpetrates the most blatant bit of trail wetting I’ve ever witnessed (down down).

Still running along interminable ridge, it’s completely dark and is now raining hard. The flour, to all intents and purposes, has washed away. We start to worry we’ve missed a turn. Slow Sucker runs back to check and I run ahead to look for evidence of a trail, everyone else mills around (down down). We establish that no one has a mobile phone. I come back and find a boar trail through the trees. I come back. Everyone has disappeared. I run forward a few minutes, I shout. I run back a few minutes, I shout. I am alone, it is dark, I am drenched, I don’t know where the hares have taken my bag which contains house keys, wallet and mobile. I am happy.

Finally I begin to hear slow sucker who having found me goes and finds the rest of the pack, we are reunited. Slow Sucker finds a suggestion that flour might once have graced a particular rock we take it as a sign and continue. We arrive at cross roads on the trail, there is no chalk. Deep Throat confesses that she actually knows where the run ends, now we know which is the right trail we are able to find chalk on it, briefly and then it washes away completely.

We come down off the ridge on a particularly higglty-pigglty set of stairs. FRB Slow Sucker leads the way, his head torch succeeds in illuminating the ground directly in front of him while completely destroying my night vision (down down).

From this point on it was just the run in which is usually an opportunity to just put your head down and go. Unfortunately as only one person new where the end of the run was (Battery Operated’s palatial new apartment) it was a stop, start affair as we waited for people to catch up.

Back at said palatial new apartment, the hares had laid on water and beer and pizza was soon ordered. Several soggy people made up excuses and left early and those of us who remained entertained ourselves by giving each other down-downs until the pizza arrived.

It’s great to be back.

Run #75 – The Wan Song Ling Run Rehashed

The pack assembled at the corner of wansongling road and zhonghe nan road, but by 4.15pm, the hares still had not returned.  Someone phoned Sheep shagger and he reported that since he and mudlark were running late, they’d be CATCHING A CAB BACK!  That kicked off the whole laundry list of offences the hares had committed.  Punctuality not withstanding, they had taken alternative modes of transport (other than their legs) to set the trail.   secondly they managed to set an entire trail without the use of flour as a sheepish shagger confessed to forgetting to bring any for – Mudlark helpfully told us “look on the lamp posts and trees for chalk marks on the hills”
(uh Trailmaster, are you reading this? we need more stringent standards of hash-setting here!)
And with that, the pack set off for the run.

Within the first ten minutes of the run, we lost Vulva Voyeur and a new hashman Mosquito (not his hash name).  Tsk tsk – apparently they didn’t see the CB and RG signs hidden underneath some parked cars as well as 7 other hashers spreaded out calling for them.
With 2 missing, the rest of the pack continued and the trail led into Fenghuang shan -which seems to have some sort of ferocious dog stationed every 100m of the way.  A couple of the ferocious canines blocked our path and growled menacingly at the advancing intruders.  Our pack were suitably intimidated – even though Sevenup did her best impression of a werewolf baying at the full moon.
Having somehow frightened away the dogs, the pack continued onward on a relatively flat ridge , down a series of steps and finished the trail in high spirits via a nice long sprint down Wansongling Road.

Sheepshagger and mudlark were appropriately rewarded with downdowns for their litany of haring crimes, vulva voyeur and mosquito for having misplaced themselves. Kudos to sheep shagger for his effort in finding exotic hash locales as impeccable taste in selecting excellent, cheap, hole-in-the wall restaurants as always.

Finally, a boisterous action-packed rendition of sweet chariots for the scribe’s last hangzhou hash run for the forseeable future.   Yours truly has fond memories of the first ever hash run she has ever been on. Run #2 was held at the now defunct Paradise restaurant.  Reading that run report brings a tear to my eye.  In fact, i’m downright weeping at my computer right now as i am typing up this hash report.  The runners then: Big Bang theory (left), Little Drunken Apple(left), Pushup Bra (left), Bottom Feeder(left), Carlos (left) and Doggie Style (last spotted him in maya 2 days ago attempting to make me drunk – he succeeded).

Fast forward and it is now Run #75 – where did all that time go – oh i know – lots of drinking, waking up with hangovers, long hikes with crappy picture maps, and oh, occasionally a little running.  It has definitely been a memorable 2 years in Hangzhou.


Run #74 – The Sod the Marathon Run Rehashed

Marathon Report
S&M – Full Marathon,   Torvill, Acro, 7Up – Half Marathon,  Cunning Linguist – mini-marathon (6.8K)
My first half marathon, and a finish inside the top 20…I guess i have to be pretty pleased with that. When Torvill and I decided to take the half marathon, our notional goal was “under 150 minutes”, and we’ve been training kind of hard for 4 weeks hoping to reach our goal of finishing it without stopping. I’m happy to say we both achieved that last Sunday.
Quite a chilly morning greeted the 20,000 attending the run. We got underway and the first half k was much slower and more congested than I had expected. But once we turned to Baochu Road, the whole group began to spread out, and Torvill and I sped up our pace.
The first half was really hard for me; breakfast caught me, the unbearable stomach pain limiting my speed. When we passed the 10k point 51 minutes had passed already!! I asked Torvill to leave me behind and try to make it within 2 hours. After the turning back point, the pain had suddenly gone!! Lots of people turned out to watch; lots of space on the road, and familiar territory! So amazingly, the second half proved to be very quick indeed…when i came back, it was 1 hour 58 minutes 38 seconds!! Torvill was 2 minutes earlier than me. Acro arrived 24 minutes later, then we all went to Wine center for lunch. After the big lunch, when we were planning to go to collect S&M, her call came through!! She finished using 4 hours 24 minutes, ranked 23, Superwoman!!

Run #74 Report
Some ran the Hangzhou Marathon, or half of it, or 14km of it. Others
ran (or set) the hash. No one did both? Why not? Perhaps all busy
having their hair cut. Anyway, after weeks of rain the sky was blue,
the sun was shining, and it was perfect weather for running. Phone Box
and Bestiality set the trail. The rest of us ran it – a small number
of regular hashers and a vast number of new people, incidentally
almost all of whom were Chinese. We ran up the small hill (Baoshi
Shan, I think?) on the north edge of the lake. We lost a few people in
the process. There was a nice sunset. We ran down again. We stood in a
circle and introduced ourselves like some sort of school class. We
drank beer. We sang a song about swings and chariots and such like, as
Battery Operated insisted. We went to a restaurant. We ate food. We
went home. Life continues. On on! – James

#Run 73 – The Please Don’t Go Run Rehashed

It was raining, which meant going running would require getting all
wet. Can you imagine! How horrible! Getting wet! So obviously the run
was cancelled. However, Mr Awesome (as I lack an official name, I will
henceforth refer to myself as “Mr Awesome” [this won’t last for long -DS) repeatedly claimed that
rain does not prevent one from running, and on this basis Acronymph
agreed to set a trail, accompanied by some others.
And so, despite earlier misgivings, a small crowd did in fact set off
into the rain. This group consisted of Mr Awesome, Bestiality, 7-Up,
and Creature Comforts. We proceeded to get wet. 7-Up held an umbrella
the whole way, but despite this still looked quite damp. Perhaps needs
to try a bigger umbrella next time.
I ran off in front and before long missed a turning – it’s hard to
tell the difference between a patch of soggy flour which means
“straight on” and a patch of soggy flour which means “turn left”. The
others soon caught up and we milled about for a bit. Flour/milled,
that’s almost a joke, haha. Yes. Then we found the turning, ran up
lots of stairs, all very pretty. Ran down the other side of whatever
hill it was we had just ran up. Missed another turning, milled around
a bit more, found the trail again. Then proceeded to run past the
starting point to begin on a second lap, until 7-Up pointed out we
were repeating ourselves.
7-Up claimed that Mr Awesome was “not a good leader”, as though
running at the front somehow makes one personally responsible for any
and all problems experienced when interpreting soggy flour. Luckily
however she could not turn this into a drinking offence, as on
returning to the cafe we did not stand around in the rain downing beer
and singing lovely songs. Instead we glady entered the warm and dry.
Here we sat and listened to Torvill repeatedly give a rousing speech
on the truly awe-inspiring graduate careers offered by some company no one remembers the name of. The Chinese members of the group in particular
were most impressed, and gave much encouragement. Jolly good!
onon – –  James

Run #73 – The Please Don’t Go Run

Sunday 2nd November @ 16:00

Hare: Acronymph (If anyone wants to co-hare with Acro, please call her, as always she warmly welcomes virgins).

Venue: Roman square nearest bus stop  万?岭路?    on Nanshan lu.  K4, K12, 514, K808, 809, 822, Y2, Y6, Y9, J9 for those who are taking a cab, check more magazine for directions to “Indian Kitchen”. roman square is right next to it.

Run #72 – The Clocks Go Back Run Rehashed

Confucius said: “The noble man traces his curves with elegance and grace; the man of low moral character pleases himself to cartoon porn.”
And so it was, following the previous day’s mountain marathon, that a brave few, namely Battery Operated, 7Up, Creature Comforts, and Vulva Voyeur showed up for a recovery run “marked” by Cartoon Porn and virgin co-hare Pommie James. Things started off OK with a leisurely trot over the Xilin Bridge where arrows quickly led to a Circle Back. The group (minus 7Up who left without telling anyone, Deep Throat-style) quickly redubbed itself “Team America” and found the trail heading off to the direction of Su Di. Arrows were inconsistent in size, thickness, girth, and time in between appearances, but one was spotted shortly after the left turn onto Su Di pointing ahead. Then, it was general confusion as Team America ran the entire length of Su Di without seeing a single marker. An impromptu regroup was called at the end of Su Di and Team America headed back across Su Di taking the “scenic route” by the water and enjoyed several unscheduled regroups to take in the beautiful views of the sunset. Right before crossing the Xiling Bridge, we spotted an arrow pointing in the opposite direction, telling 7Up to jump off a bridge and everyone else to circle back, which we missed on the initial run across. Thoroughly confused, Team America gave up and continued back, and in true ugly American tourist fashion, flaunted rules, flipped off a Bao’an, and charged across the fenced off grass back to the Shangri-La to mete out punishments. There, Team America ran into Kiwi Jamie, who apparently came a few minutes late, and intending to catch up, missed the CB entirely on the other side of the Xilin Bridge and ran in circles on Solitary Hill Island instead of heading to Su Di. 7Up ran off shortly to avoid having to face the circle. Hares were pounded on with multiple trail violations, including general incompetence with the trail turning flaccid less than 5 minutes into the run, lack of length and girth of arrows, and lack of technique and nonsensical positions with CBs less than 10 meters away from related arrows. Battery Operated was given a violation for singing Disney songs on run. Rage over (lack of) trail was such that naming offenses were entirely forgotten. To add to the general confusion of the evening, when a gaggle of old Chinese ladies stopped to gawk at the circle, Kiwi Jamie called out “Ni hao!” whilst Vulva Voyeur rejoined with a hearty “G’day mate!” Laowais being in the majority tonight, a decision was made to head to Provence, where a bottle of imported red wine provided the perfect counterpart to an excellent if pricey selection of amuse-gueules,  plats, et desserts, served with real cutlery and no chopsticks to a table of laowais who, thankfully, still remembered how to use them. The meal over, all was forgiven, and it was on on back home to nurse our collective mountain marathon wounds…
On on,
Vulva Voyeur